“Just let me go.”

THE NADIR – PART 2

When I was called a liar – just one more time – in front of the Introduction Leaders Program at Landmark, it was the beginning of the end.

I wanted it to be the beginning of something better, something new. For a while, Landmark did promise me that, after the whole debacle of exposing my mental health history to them.

Because I had inaccurate information about my mental health history on my original Forum application, I couldn’t become an Introduction Leader. But they had another option for me: I could be an Introduction Leader for the Landmark Forum for Young People.

Yes, there is a Landmark Forum for under-18 kids. It differs from the adult Forum in only two significant ways: 1) any child participant has to be under legal guardianship of a Landmark graduate, and 2) the course itself is shorter in length, but not because they trim the content.  They don’t. In fact, the Young People’s Forum is exactly the same as the adults’, with the same verbiage and everything. It just doesn’t run 19 hours long each day because young people are less resistant and they absorb the distinctions that much quicker and easier. They get out by 5 in the evening because they don’t come in with as much “baggage” as their adult counterparts, who are often writhing until midnight on an average day.

And rare is the child who attends an introduction to a Young People’s Forum and doesn’t want to register! They all think it’s cool! So leading introductions for these kids is relatively easy.

And, I thought, it should be more life-affirming than trying to deal with grumpy adults. I’ll give it a shot!

So I meet with a fellow Landmark peer who is already a happy Introduction Leader for kids, and I start to learn the ropes. I start off by sharing my latest authenticity with her – that my Forum application didn’t reflect my mental health history, and it was time to come clean about it. She totally got it: “That happened to me, too.”

…What?

It turns out that she had the exact same experience I had – a piece of mental health history that was not reflected on her Landmark Forum application. And because the center manager found out about it during her ILP, she was steered toward leading Introductions for the Young People’s Forum.

This struck me as eerie.

I reported the exact same experience she had, and now here we were together in the same assisting program. Something was not quite right about this. Is this where all the mental health cases in the ILP get put out to pasture?

For the first time, I didn’t feel the need to ask. I already knew the answer. I stopped returning phone calls from the center. When one of my fellow ILP participants called me up on her cell, I told her I was leaving Landmark for good. She said I was on a “racket” and discouraged me from leaving without “completing in front of the whole group.”

Hesitation. And then,

“…NO, Holly.”

It was the most powerful “no” of my life.

I followed it up with just one more conversation with my ILP leader, the one who first heard my concerns and thus started this whole crazy ball rolling. It was a pain, but I had to take the opportunity to reiterate to her that I was not a liar. I did not intend to lie about my mental health history on my application for the Forum, and when I suggested that I did during that ILP session, I was just saying what everyone wanted to hear so that she would stop yelling at me in front of the group.

I just wanted the yelling to stop! Was that too much to ask? I was crying on the phone for the last time. “Just let me go.”

“Okay,” she said. “I’m okay with it.”

When I hung up, that was the end of my participation with Landmark. But it wasn’t “all over.” The worst of my depression and a real mental-health hospitalization were yet to come.

And thank goodness for that, because on the other end of that journey came the opening into a truer light. There was no looking back after that.

Now I can FINALLY…

The Introduction Leaders Program is one of the most rigorous leadership training programs on the planet. It runs for about six months, and during that time, you have to attend weekly classes, weekly assisting projects, and four long weekends in a regional center.

It’s the boot camp Landmark participants take on their way to becoming course leaders and high-level assistants.

So if you’re really dedicated to the work, and really committed to transforming the planet, get ready to hand yourself over to the machine completely and kiss the rest of your life goodbye.

And say hello to becoming a transformational superhero. Because that’s what they want to turn you into. And that’s what you want to be, deep down, because back when you took the Forum, you thought to yourself a couple of times how cool it would be to lead a course like that, to transform people’s lives.

Not only that, but it seems like the leaders are the ones that have it really together; they have great lives and high standards. They’re sexy. They’re always talking about how wonderful their relationships are, how nothing stops them from getting anything they want, how happy and amazing life is.

You want that. Bad.

I know I wanted it, as I was listening to a course leader share about the ILP. Part of the sales pitch of the ILP involves sharing a glowing list of what people get out of the program:

• They get promoted.
• They get raises.
• They get the relationship of their dreams (or turn their current relationship into the relationship of their dreams).
• They get the job of their dreams, if they don’t already have it.
• They get acknowledged for leadership.
• They win awards.
• They always get the close parking spots.
• Everything gets out of their way when transformation is afoot.
• Their level of clout and authority goes through the roof.

I don’t remember all of the points that were said, but these cover all the bases. Basically, you get to be the shit.

The only thing is, if you register for the ILP just for those reasons, your 6 months in the program will be Hell.

Because what you’re learning to be is a registration machine. You are learning what it takes to stand in the front of a room and sell the Landmark Forum to people. Everything you do is intended to serve that end. The transformation you undergo to become the shit is just a by-product of your reaching that goal.

I remember a revealing comment that a center manager once told me about a participant who completed the ILP. The participant shared in front of the class how amazing and exhausting the experience was, but now she FINALLY gets to start that project she’s been waiting 6 WHOLE MONTHS to start…!

The center manager said, “Why did she wait? Why wait until after the ILP to start having a great life? That’s not what it’s about. If what you want for your life is to do a project, do that; don’t put it off for the ILP.”

Gee, thanks. Someone could have used that advice 6 months ago.

There’s another one: Towards the bitter end of my ILP, I was actually sitting in an Introduction to the ILP, sharing with folks who were considering the program for themselves. A course leader was leading the conversation, and he gave the rundown of all the above ways an ILP graduate can be the shit from completing the program.

But he cautioned, if you do the ILP just for those reasons, you’ll have a really hard time; it’ll be difficult.

Again: Gee, thanks. Nobody told me that in my introduction, and here I am now, with a shit job and clinically depressed. All I did was say I was considering the ILP, and along came a course assistant to shove the application into my hand.

Because again, it’s all about registrations.

If you love the work of transformation at Landmark more than life itself, then you have to love registering people into Landmark more than life itself, because lots of registrations means there’s lots of transformation going on. And if you live for that, then you gotta live for the ILP, because that’s all the ILP is about: registrations.

And if you complete the program? Congratulations. You have assimilated into the hive mind.

But if you’re in the program wishing you were doing something else, do yourself a favor: stop fucking around and GET OUT.

The power of “NO.”

Never underestimate the power of “no.” One must understand that giving it well means taking it well, too.

At Landmark, I’ve seen people take “no” pretty badly.

I’ve seen a disastrous guest event at Landmark where a course participant cried in front of everybody – participants and guests alike – when the family members they invited didn’t show up. It was embarrassing. She cried because she knew what the stakes were. If she truly believed in her transformation, then her family was rejecting their own transformation – disaster. If, however, she was just trying to please the course leader, then she was deathly afraid of a painful, embarrassing reprisal from same – also disaster.

It’s funny, because one of the things that Landmark teaches is how to take “no” for an answer gracefully.

The thing is, “no” is just considered a stopping point on the way to “yes,” especially when it comes to registering people in the Landmark Forum.

“‘No’ isn’t ‘no’ forever,” I’ve heard it said. It’s true. “No” need never be final. But there are Landmark participants who flog that truth to death, so that eventually that “no” will turn into a “yes” and someone registers for the Forum.

Case in point: One of my fellow Advanced Course participants shared with the group how she registered for the Forum. Her friend, who had taken the course, made a couple of attempts to register her to no avail. Then, the friend made a strange offer: She would call her every day until she registered. She could say “no” in response every single time, and that was okay. She could say “no” to infinity, but she would keep calling.

My companion agreed to this craziness, and eventually, she broke down and registered for the Forum. Yay! Transformation wins out!

Lots of people register this way, as a result of someone nagging them. Just to get the asshole off one’s back. And some people are delightfully surprised by what Landmark has to offer.

Others aren’t.

Still others manage the courage to say, “Please stop asking me!” and never register. The thing is, the person who so passionately wanted them to join their state of transformation suddenly disappears…or becomes estranged. All for the love of transformation.

All because Landmark Guy becomes tired of hearing “no.”

Well, that’s only part of it. He’s also dreading the conversation with his leader or coach on how well enrollments and registrations are going. Which is to say, not. Because he was once coached to squeeze the “yes” out by any means necessary – all within the context of love and freedom, of course! But no one was buying it.

Landmark Guy is back to square 1, with broken relationships and irresponsible communication. So then he signs up for the next course…

Whose transformation is it, anyway?

No one registers for the Landmark Forum without someone else taking a gold-encrusted mountain of credit for it, and reaping the rewards of transformation for themselves.

I was registered by a friend in the Self-Expression and Leadership Program who made me feel more important and admired than anyone else ever did. He was launching a community project that was really cool and inspiring, something I really wanted to be a part of. Not only did he invite me on board to help him with it, but he was so generous and thought so highly of me that he wanted to make me the leader of the project.

I was floored by this. No one had ever asked me to step into my leadership in that way. I didn’t have to win an election or a popularity contest. A man of incredible charisma saw my potential and wanted to make me a leader. I said yes.

One big part of his passing of the torch to me was for me to accompany him to the local Landmark center on a Saturday morning where guests were welcome to check out where this and other amazing community projects were coming from.

Now, from my conversations with him, I thought he worked there, and this was a sort of job. I had no idea what I was walking into.

We meet up with his peers at the center over donuts and coffee and do all the handshakes and introductions. They seem like cool people. Then we settle into the seminar room and a powerful-looking, colorful woman takes the stage and starts sharing about Landmark.

And as she was speaking, I slowly came to realize that this place was not my friend’s workplace. He was a student in a seminar…and it’s looking more and more like one of those New-Age, self-help encounters I used to read about when I was much younger and steeling myself against the coming of the Antichrist.

Then people got up to share, and I was impressed. One woman was even announcing plans to run for state congress. There was a lot of leadership in the room. There were people doing a lot of good for their church communities too, assuring me that maybe this wasn’t some sort of devil-spawned organization.

A few conversations later, I registered for the Landmark Forum. I saw it as something that would help my career, and also give me an edge in this leadership role I was taking on with my friend’s project.

But I was to find out that leading my friend’s project was a more complex matter than it originally seemed. When I registered in Landmark, I was to discover that the SELP requires its participants to give their project away to the leadership of another person. My friend wasn’t giving me his project because he deeply wanted to, or felt I was worthy of it; he was doing it according to a predetermined program.

Theoretically, SELP participants who successfully give their projects away demonstrate a high ability to release enough of their ego to be of service to the community, because they are not hoarding all of the leadership for themselves.

Ultimately, the participant is seen by his community as the face of possibility, and not the face of a project.

It’s like he becomes the superhero who saves one subway train of people, and then flies off to save another, once he hands things over to the Chief of Police.

And here’s the kicker: It’s especially huge when the SELP participant gives their project over to someone who eventually registers for the Landmark Forum. Because why be the Police Chief when you can be the superhero? That’s a real sign that the participant is transforming the world around him and living a life of possibility. Because if you launch a project that everyone just loves, and at least one person in your community feels so honored to lead it for you, your hands are now free to lead everybody to the Promised Land.

And then you get to stand in front of the rest of your SELP class and brag about how many people you registered into the Landmark Forum. From that standpoint, nobody cares how the community project actually turns out. It was never about that.

At Landmark, transforming a community doesn’t mean launching a project and getting everyone involved in it for the common good. Not at all. It’s about how many people you can register into the Landmark Forum.

The project can tank, for all they care. And many projects do. Oh, there are lots of very successful ones that keep going year after year and turn into careers and nonprofits and such. But whether the project flies or not, it’s all just a means to an end that you don’t see coming until you’re led to the room full of people with name tags. And the next one to get a name tag is you.

Your results are never good enough.

If you participate in Landmark, the number of people you register into the Landmark Forum correlates to how well your transformation lives in the world around you, and how successful you are in any LE course.

Landmark doesn’t advertise – they rely entirely on word-of-mouth from participants. As a marketing strategy, that actually has a lot of merit. If you truly have a great product or service, it should sell itself. People will naturally want to share about it and invite other people to check it out.

The thing is, in Landmark, if you participate in any of the courses, you are expected and required to be the sales force. You can get insights and learn valuable lessons, but then you are supposed to share them all with your family and friends such that they want to register. That’s how the machine works. Every conversation where you announce that you’re letting go of your ego or forgiving someone is considered an opportunity to register someone in the Forum. And woe be to anyone who doesn’t take it.

It’s never enough just to reconcile with someone. It does no good unless that person registers for the Landmark Forum. And you will be bullied and intimidated by LE leaders and assistants until that happens.

Can you imagine if the AA did that? If, whenever you shared with someone that you were an alcoholic and committed to living a sober life, you were required to bring that person to AA and have them join? And the number of people you convinced to join was a measure of your sobriety?

I spent countless hours groveling to my family, friends and coworkers, saying that I was getting a lot of great insights and committed to leading a more powerful life because I finally realized how inauthentic I was. No one cared, responded, or understood.

But it seemed that Landmark people were listening to me – every time I groveled to one of them, they “got it.”

Not so with non-participants.

Whenever I came up empty and shared about it in an LE course, I didn’t get advice or support. Instead, I got yelled at and berated. In the Introduction Leaders Program, the leader yelled at me to sit back down because I had only shared the Forum with eight people and no one was registering. And because of that I must not have been committed to the work. She yelled at me all the way to my seat like I was a misbehaving dog.

But I was listening to my coaches! None of the coaching was working! What am I doing wrong? No one would help me.

It’s not that Landmark’s work is without value. It’s just not worth the price, in money or sanity.

I would love to see a Landmark Forum without the bullying, where all conversations about participants registering people are eliminated. It would just be about sharing new possibilities and nothing more. Reconciliation with no strings attached. No Tuesday night “graduations” where you are required to invite your friends and family to a sales pitch. I would love a Landmark Forum that lets participants decide for themselves if the program is worth sharing, because if it is, they will share it and no one would have to be pressured into it. No one would be berated for not registering someone.

I would love to see Landmark Education work on the same playing field with other self-transformation programs and philosophies in terms of marketing. Do word-of-mouth advertising the way it’s supposed to be done – freely, and from the heart. Without force, intimidation, or pressure. Have it be the icing on the cake for the marketing program, not the substance of the cake itself.

I’m willing to bet that Landmark Education would experience a spike in registrations as a result of that. But I’m not getting my hopes up.